Low self esteem - Part 1

What is low self-esteem?

Self-esteem can be described as the way we perceive and value ourselves based on the opinions and beliefs we hold about ourselves. When someone has low self-esteem, they may not think very highly of themselves, they may criticize and judge themselves harshly, and so may not feel confident. Driving low self-esteem are negative beliefs that we hold onto. Some people know and understand that they are doing this - judging themselves too harshly - whilst others’ negative self-beliefs are so firmly held that they seem like facts, and there is no awareness at all that these beliefs may not be true.

Low self-esteem is not itself a mental health problem, but are linked. If low self-esteem remains unchecked for a long period it can begin to cause depression and anxiety. 

What causes low self-esteem?

Low self-esteem is usually shaped by early negative experiences. Some factors make the development of low self-esteem more likely:

• A lack of encouragement, praise and positive reinforcement as a child. Children learn about themselves and their place in the world through being mirrored back to themselves by the adults around them. When the mirroring back is negative or lacking in enough positive encouragement the child internalises a belief that they are not enough.

• Unrealistic or high expectations being set by parents or carers. If a child has very high expectations set on it, that child will grow up with a sense of not being good enough, or of having failed in some way. Even if the adult’s expectations are unrealistic or unfair, the child can’t understand that and sperate them out from how they begin to feel about themselves. In adulthood, we may see that these were unfair or harsh expectations, but that deeply held feeling of failure can remain and persist.

• Feeling separate, or distinct from a peer group in childhood or adolescence. Feeling like the ‘odd one out’ during adolescence when your identity is forming can shape the way that self-esteem develops.

• Negative childhood experiences of being punished, neglected or abused. Children who experience these things believe these things are happening because it is their fault, or they deserve it somehow. Children do not have the cognitive capacity to separate the actions of the adults around them from how they are, so internalise a lot of negative beliefs. Although as adults we can learn rationally that these things were not our fault, sometimes this deep sense of shame or fault can remain.

How do we fuel our low self-esteem?

Without realising that we do it, many of us continue to fuel our low self-esteem in adulthood in a variety of unhelpful, even damaging ways:

• Our inner voice: We all have an internal voice that we talk to ourselves with. When that voice is harsh or critical, it can be debilitating. Even when we intend this voice to push or motivate us if the way this voice is allowed to talk to us isn’t kind enough it can still end up reinforcing negative messages

• Being inflexible: When we are too rigid about who and how we should be, setting ‘rules’ for ourselves, we set ourselves up for failure when we inevitably fall short of these expectations and standards, and so reinforce our negative beliefs

• Trying to predict the future: When we try to predict what might happen, we are trying to protect ourselves against the anxiety of the unknown. But this can reinforce the idea that we are not competent or capable. On top of this, our predictions and assumptions are often wrong, causing us even more worry and anxiety unnecessarily

• Making anxious predictions about what might happen. If we don’t see ourselves as competent and capable then the world often feels full of danger. Your anxious mind tries to help by predicting potential threats, but this just makes us feel even more incapable

• Creating safety strategies: When we are very fearful or anxious about something, we try to avoid it, we don’t push ourselves and gain new experiences that show we are capable and able. Avoiding new experiences or certain situations reinforces negative messages and denies us valuable opportunities to learn from

The strategies above may feel like they are helpful, but in the long term they just cement beliefs and ways of behaving which are not helpful, and ultimately won’t allow your self-esteem to develop.

References:

Fennell, M. J. (1997). Low self-esteem: A cognitive perspective. Behavioural and Cognitive Psychotherapy, 25(1), 1-26.