Attachment 3: Anxious attachment
If you have already read Attachment 1: The power of attachment styles in relationships, this article further talks specifically about anxious attachment.
How is anxious attachment created?
As with all attachment styles, anxious attachment tendencies are created in childhood. The caregiver of an anxiously attached child may have been inconsistent – sometimes being emotionally present and attuned to the child, and sometimes not. The child then doesn’t ever know if its needs will be met, which can feel emotionally unsafe, confusing and rejecting to the child.
What does it looks like in adult hood?
Anxiously attached adults fear being abandoned, rejected and excluded. As a result, they can be chronic people-pleasers, putting the needs of others ahead of their own, self-sacrificing in order to maintain a relationship.
However, when an anxiously attached adult does feel rejected or rebuffed, this feeling of being unsafe and vulnerable can result in them becoming cold and distant. This can be confused with being an avoidantly attached adult, although the two are different. The default mode of the anxiously attached adult is to strive for greater connection and closeness, the avoidantly attached adult strives for the opposite. This cold, distant retaliation of an anxiously attached adult is just a temporary protective, defensive measure if they feel vulnerable.
How can it affect a relationship?
An anxiously attached adult can seem to require constant reassurance, and the need to maintain a high level of emotional intimacy. On the surface, they can often appear to be dissatisfied and clingy adults, however, it is maybe not so much that they want to cling to a partner, as to be held, without needing to express the need and desire for it.
Living with an anxiously attached adult
The greater the feeling of emotional disconnect and distance, the more upset and so seemingly clingy the anxiously attached adult can be. They can have a tendency to take things personally – for example, if their partner comes home late, and in a bad mood after a hard day at work, the anxious partner may on some unconscious level take this personally, and feel rejected. Good communication to explain what the partner of an anxiously attached adult is thinking and feeling can be helpful – so that the anxious partner does not ‘mind-read’ and then create false narratives which are not true i.e. ‘my partner is home late because they were avoiding me, they are in a bad mood to see me, because I irritate them and they just want to be alone, without me.’
Those with anxiously attached partners may find themselves falling into a trap of needing to give constant reassurance. Talking through what an anxious adult needs in order to feel a sense of being loved (without having to ask for it) can help. The safer and more emotionally secure an anxiously attached adult feels, the less likely they are to fall into these patterns of neediness.
Understanding why your partner is anxious in their attachment style can help create the patience and acceptance required to find ways of being together that feel comfortable, safe, and fulfilling to both partners.