Attachment 2: Avoidant attachment
If you have already read Attachment 1: The power of attachment styles in relationships, this article talks specifically about avoidant attachment.
How is avoidant attachment created?
As with all attachment styles, avoidant attachment tendencies are created in childhood. In childhood, the caregiver of an avoidant child was likely to have been absent or highly preoccupied and unable to fully give the child what it needed. Maybe the caregiver was in a state of depression, or struggling to cope in some other way – they were emotionally absent. Or, maybe the caregiver was physically absent.
The child would have learned at a young age to try and not burden the caregiver, nor express what it needed or wanted, and to self-sooth.
What does it looks like in adult hood?
Adults who are avoidantly attached can struggle to stay in a relationship long term. They feel uncomfortable by intimacy and someone else’s desire to get close to them. Avoidantly attached adults appear highly independent, and their partners may perceive them to be emotionally distant. They find being relied on emotionally difficult, so can withdraw and retreat into themselves. This can result in behaviors like habitual scrolling through phones, prolonged procrastination, or needing to take a lot of time out alone.
How can it affect a relationship?
Adults who are avoidant may struggle to express how they feel, so communication can be a challenge. The partner of someone avoidantly attached may feel pushed away, or rejected at times – which in turn, could cause them to cling and try to get closer, which then causes the avoidant partner to retreat even more, causing a cycle which can feel exhausting for both.
Living with an avoidantly attached adult
Someone who is avoidantly attached may not always know what they need or want. They have been used to suppressing their feeling and desires since childhood, so in adulthood needs can be hidden, even from them. For the partner of someone who is avoidant, it is important to try and remain patient, and mindful of this.
Communication can feel fraught and difficult for someone who is avoidant, so it is important for the partner to try and create a safe space to talk, where things can’t escalate into an argument, and where the avoidant adult feels there will be no judgement or punishment if they do speak up. An anxiously attached adult needs direct, clear, unambiguous communication. Most importantly, there should be no pressure on the avoidant partner to have to talk. This will only create unease and discomfort. Try doing things together where talking may naturally happen – but is not expected to happen.
And remember, on a deep and sometimes unconscious level, an avoidant partner often feels unworthy, inadequate or unlovable. It is important for the partner of an avoidant adult to try to demonstrate they are worthy, but without smothering and being overwhelming. An anxiously attached adult needs to feel huge reserves of unwavering (if quiet) support.
Understanding why your partner is avoidant in their attachment style can help create the patience and acceptance required to find ways of being together that feel safe and fulfilling to both partners.